T/N: This blog entry took me some weeks to tidy up.
It has been about five months since my last entry in June before I went into a blog-hiatus unknowingly. I was not prepared to share my experiences yet. We are driven by the same common goal that is to inspire and create hope.
Last year towards A's, I'd always thought I was doing fine, yet deep down I knew I wasn't. I put up a strong front because I didn't want my parents to worry. I'd sleepless nights and would cry silently into the wee hours of the night under the blanket. During those days, I'd
one-to-one dialogues that usually lasted after midnight with my mum. Despite the fact that I tried hard enough to control, I still teared in-front of my mum. Although I got better each time, that didn't last.
A few weeks before A's, I'd a consultation session with my geography tutor. I could have took her criticism as a constructive advice but I broke down. Only then did I realised I was actually escaping from the harsh reality and hence landed myself in a state of depression.
I chanted with a clear goal in mind: I must win, not just for myself but also for Sensei, to show actual proof and not letting my parents down. Slowly, I regained my self-confidence and advance ahead.
After A's, I devoted my time and entire being to my district. I knew I gonna be the first to stand up and take action. Honestly, I'd never felt that strong the energy to contribute to my district until graduation from college.
On the results day, my life condition was so high that despite the bad grades for entrance into a local university, I did not shed a tear. The biggest reason is that I knew I have a greater mission to fulfill. I clearly remember the next day was my chapter youth outing. Coincidentally, I lost my voice that day. During the bus journey, one of my members cried as she failed her GP. Because I was unable to speak, I wrote on a piece of paper (and passed to my member), strictly penning down my grades for A's and these words:
"Look! I didn't cry despite such grades! You shouldn't cry as well!"Soon then, this member wiped her tears and smiled. At that moment, I came to my realisation that because of my grades, I was able to encourage my members. This member is doing great right now in a private university. Another actual proof is that I wrote only two pages for my General Paper Paper One and didn't manage to complete the AQ segment for Paper Two, yet I scored a
C-grade for my GP! I would say that was the best grade I could ever get for the particular subject. Because of this, my younger brother praised me for doing a good job. FYI, my brother seldom praised me.
At the beginning of this year, I took up Japanese course at JCS. Some were curious with my decision and find it was rather redundant to take up a language course. However, language is something you will find important when you really need it. I did not take their comments into heart because from the very first day I started on the course, I knew I have already taken the first step to advancing worldwide kosen-rufu. It is true that when one put his/her heart into achieving the bigger mission, he/she has nothing to fear as he/she is walking the great path of mentor-and-disciple spirit.
I completed my Elementary Japanese course within half a year and passed with flying colours. Currently, I'm completing the Intermediate course. Final examinations will commence this week and JLPT will be in early December. As I look back, I expressed in awe on how much I have advanced on this great path.
Currently, I'm working as a secretary on weekdays, a teacher on weekends, and a student at night. I do not regret and held on to these three duties because they were all offered to me under great opportunities. At times, there are people who discouraged me by saying hurting words like
"Do you love money that much?". I replied sternly that this is not about money that matters, it's that I am able to grow through the trainings and interviews I have undergo and obstacles as well as weaknesses I have courageously overcome. The fact is that I have shown actual proof along the way. Some asked if I am tired, and my reply will always be,
"I may be physically tired, but definitely not mentally." There are also people who looked down on me and believe I will give up in time to come. Despite all these obstacles, I still go back to the prime point of my faith and reflect on myself each time.
Every day is like a brand new challenge for me and each time, I get to learn something great. Don't really have the time to dwell on my mistakes for long. Hence I could only move on and remind myself to be better each day.
I have a greater vision for the future and that is advancing worldwide kosen-rufu together with my comrades outside of Singapore. This has since then been my constant motivation that propels and keeps me moving forward.
